It's been a bit since I have written. Life happens...
We are moving soon. North. This makes me very happy, because north means snow. I love the snow and the cold. I love it because you can always put more clothes on... But when it's too warm there comes a point in the attempt to get cool that you get locked up for fanning your nude self in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. People don't like that, I hear it's a family establishment.
When I say north you imagine the far snowy north of Alaska or The Yukon where you can get icicles to form on your eyelashes just by stepping outside. But really I mean New Hampshire, which is, aside from Maine, as far north as you can get without needing a passport and an Idiots Guide To French. I don't speak French, and no matter how much I say I like the cold, I definitely don't want to be the moron standing in the street trying to read my Idiot Guide through the icicles on my face because I lost my hotel. Those Canadians can keep their bacon. I'm not interested.
That's one extreme. Then there is the other. Heat. You know what I'm talking about. Searing, cook eggs on a rock outside, bloody fucking burn in hell heat. I lived in Missouri for most of my childhood, there are weeks in the summer there where you can't go outside because the humidity will suffocate you and the heat is like an oven. Temperatures can get to be 115 - 120 degrees. Yes, you heard right. One Hundred and Twenty degrees. I've had ovens that didn't get that fucking hot. Granted that's when I lived in my meant-for-rats apartment, but that's beside the point.
I hate the heat. The only good thing about heat is that you can go swimming. Swimming is such a nice pastime. The whole family will get together and go to the lake, river, or ocean and spend the day getting burnt to a fucking crisp. Then you spend the rest of the week recovering with a bottle of Aloe clutched in your hand like it's your first born son and you forgot to paint your door red. Shit.
So to the semi-north it is. Where the snow is just right and the streets are paved with thermometers that don't raise above 90.
*If you are Canadian, you have bigger balls than I... Also, please send bacon*
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Class Rules
This country has a serious problem. That problem is admitting there is a problem...
I'm going to take a minute to talk about class rules. And yes *gasp*, class status still exists. Those who don't believe it does, have enough money to not give a shit.
Class rules are a lot like "the bro code". They are unspoken rules that all classes abide by. The rules that if you don't abide by you could end up punched in the face by a Broke Ass Bitch who would rather be in jail for punching your Rich Ass so they can get three meals a day. These rules are as follows...
1 - "Only poor people can call other poor people poor." - Don't make the mistake of thinking anything else is acceptable behavior. It's not, shut the fuck up or you'll get punched.
2 - "If you make more than 60,000 dollars a year then you have no right to complain about needing to make more money." - It's amazing how many people I find doing this. Bitch, if you get your stupid ass out of your 50,000 dollar hummer you might not fucking need to "make more money". Shut the fuck up, you're a douche.
3 - "Don't think you're poor when you're not" - One thing that really gets me, are the morons that act like they are poor when they are eating a four coarse meal for dinner, but cry because they can't afford their brand new 85 inch television. If you haven't had to wipe your Broke ass with toilet paper stolen from the McDonald's bathroom then shut the fuck up.
4 - "First world problems" - Oh yeah, we all have them from time to time. But it's okay when a broke ass bitch has first world problems, because they know what REAL problems are. But if all you have to worry about is that ding on your Volvo then shut the fuck up.
5 - "Only rich people own homes" - That's right. Worrying about a mortgage is a Rich Bitches problem. If you haven't paid your rent in spare change, or worried about the unwelcome tenants living alongside you in your "meant-for-rats" apartment then I don't want to hear about your "issues". Shut the fuck up, you're pitiful.
I always thought these class rules had no reason to be spoken, but those Rich Bitches don't understand respect. Fuck.
Something you learn pretty fucking quick when you're a Poor Mother Fucker is that class still stands. Rich Bitches don't understand this. They don't see you as any different than them. Until you have a headache and they don't understand why you don't buy a bottle of Tylenol. I can't fucking afford it that's why. But if you want to give me some of the stock you have in it I'll be happy. Rich Bitch.
*If you are a Rich Bitch... Fuck it, I got nothin'*
I'm going to take a minute to talk about class rules. And yes *gasp*, class status still exists. Those who don't believe it does, have enough money to not give a shit.
Class rules are a lot like "the bro code". They are unspoken rules that all classes abide by. The rules that if you don't abide by you could end up punched in the face by a Broke Ass Bitch who would rather be in jail for punching your Rich Ass so they can get three meals a day. These rules are as follows...
1 - "Only poor people can call other poor people poor." - Don't make the mistake of thinking anything else is acceptable behavior. It's not, shut the fuck up or you'll get punched.
2 - "If you make more than 60,000 dollars a year then you have no right to complain about needing to make more money." - It's amazing how many people I find doing this. Bitch, if you get your stupid ass out of your 50,000 dollar hummer you might not fucking need to "make more money". Shut the fuck up, you're a douche.
3 - "Don't think you're poor when you're not" - One thing that really gets me, are the morons that act like they are poor when they are eating a four coarse meal for dinner, but cry because they can't afford their brand new 85 inch television. If you haven't had to wipe your Broke ass with toilet paper stolen from the McDonald's bathroom then shut the fuck up.
4 - "First world problems" - Oh yeah, we all have them from time to time. But it's okay when a broke ass bitch has first world problems, because they know what REAL problems are. But if all you have to worry about is that ding on your Volvo then shut the fuck up.
5 - "Only rich people own homes" - That's right. Worrying about a mortgage is a Rich Bitches problem. If you haven't paid your rent in spare change, or worried about the unwelcome tenants living alongside you in your "meant-for-rats" apartment then I don't want to hear about your "issues". Shut the fuck up, you're pitiful.
I always thought these class rules had no reason to be spoken, but those Rich Bitches don't understand respect. Fuck.
Something you learn pretty fucking quick when you're a Poor Mother Fucker is that class still stands. Rich Bitches don't understand this. They don't see you as any different than them. Until you have a headache and they don't understand why you don't buy a bottle of Tylenol. I can't fucking afford it that's why. But if you want to give me some of the stock you have in it I'll be happy. Rich Bitch.
*If you are a Rich Bitch... Fuck it, I got nothin'*
Monday, November 26, 2012
Chain Updates
I hate chain updates...
They
used to be called "chain mail". Those were the good ole' days when you
could see the subject and delete it ASAP... But now they come in status
updates or pictures. Plastered all over your Social Network. They sit there gazing at you through the depths of
the insanely stupid.
- "Now that you have started reading this you must finish or...."
Guess what? Nothing happens.
But they keep coming. You're just forced to read and shake your head. My neck is kinked...
- "You will be cursed for the next ten years by...."
Your
mom? Because if you don't stop updating your status with bullshit I'm
going to kick you in the face. That may piss her off. So I guess you're
right. Sorry I didn't forward your crap.
If those aren't bad enough you also have the fake statistics...
- "My puppy died! I know 99% of you won't have the guts to re-post this..."
You're
wrong. I have the guts. I just don't give a shit. I don't give a damn
about your random picture of your ugly smelly dog with your random fake
statistic. I am your fake as shit 99%... Deal with it.
Or the
- "Like if you care, ignore if you don't"
Seriously?
I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't give a fuck if I scroll by your stupid
picture that claims I don't love my mom if I don't re-post your stupid
picture about loving my mom. I'm not clogging up my media with your
stupid "like whore" bullshit.
And last but definitely not least you have the "re-post without facts". These ones can be pretty
funny. Especially since they get a beating when it comes to Memes. But they have "chain status" plastered all
over them. Though, to the ones who don't care about facts and only care
about having a false sense of security these are gems of the Social
Network scene.
- "Facebook is going to start making you pay for use unless you..."
^ starts a riot while being a total lie
- "The galaxies are colliding and the end of the world is coming!"
^ starts a riot while missing key information (in four billion years)
But
people keep believing in the shady lies of the internet. And until the
planet becomes more informed we can all continue to have a laugh (or
tear) at their expense. Or we can just wait until the world ends. Which ever comes first.
*If you are a poster of chain updates... We need to talk*
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Blogging Whore
I have all of four Dust Bunnies (readers) now.
*sound of crickets*
This blog thing is apparently easier said than done. You have to be a combination of funny, charismatic, witty, wise, and just plain awesome to do the job right. I am none of those things.
It just so happens that I am pretty average. I'm okay with that... Until I try to put myself out there like a Whore on a corner, and I don't get laid. Then I walk home with my pride in tact and empty pockets. I have plenty of pride, not enough money. Why can this not be used to my advantage?
You gotta hand it to those women. They have the shittiest hours alive, a new boss to please every night, and the pay blows. Quite literally. But there they are every night, giving their pride away for some easy... Cash...
I love being a stay-at-home-mom, but now and then I fiddle with the idea of going to work and having real conversations where the subject of poo was strictly prohibited. So I envy most working women, but Whores are not one of them. It sounds too much like what I do on a daily basis.
But blogging is like being a Whore. A cheap interweb Whore. If you're good you have people crawling all over your page because they can't get enough. And if you suck, then you can leave it to the interweb to let you know. Just like a Pimp.
Damn Pimps.
*I have no problem with whores or pimps. If you are a whore or a pimp, carry on*
*sound of crickets*
This blog thing is apparently easier said than done. You have to be a combination of funny, charismatic, witty, wise, and just plain awesome to do the job right. I am none of those things.
It just so happens that I am pretty average. I'm okay with that... Until I try to put myself out there like a Whore on a corner, and I don't get laid. Then I walk home with my pride in tact and empty pockets. I have plenty of pride, not enough money. Why can this not be used to my advantage?
You gotta hand it to those women. They have the shittiest hours alive, a new boss to please every night, and the pay blows. Quite literally. But there they are every night, giving their pride away for some easy... Cash...
I love being a stay-at-home-mom, but now and then I fiddle with the idea of going to work and having real conversations where the subject of poo was strictly prohibited. So I envy most working women, but Whores are not one of them. It sounds too much like what I do on a daily basis.
- Up all night - Check
- Hard to please boss - Check
- Crap pay - Check
- Hoping I make it through the night without getting shit on me - Double check
But blogging is like being a Whore. A cheap interweb Whore. If you're good you have people crawling all over your page because they can't get enough. And if you suck, then you can leave it to the interweb to let you know. Just like a Pimp.
Damn Pimps.
*I have no problem with whores or pimps. If you are a whore or a pimp, carry on*
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Social Networking
I am of two minds when it comes to Social Networking... It sucks... And it fucking sucks.
We spend however many countless hours checking up on "friends", updating our status like everyone reads it, and looking over posts wondering "Is that about me?"
Here is a random (or made up) example of a Facebook page...
Now... We all have friends like this. Maybe you are these friends. That sucks for you guys. Because these people suck. They are probably the most annoying thing about the wonderful world of Social Networking.
The Fuckheads.
Family members can be Fuckheads. So can friends. Maybe your neighbor is a Fuckhead and you don't even know it. The Fuckhead Disease doesn't discriminate, it can get anyone that attaches their name to a Social Networking site. If something about the fact that you're sitting behind a computer screen makes you think that you are allowed to be a giant Fuckhead, fix it. Because it's not true... Those Fuckhead things you do piss people off.
These people may not realize they do it. And that's okay, they are the I-Didn't-Know-Fuckheads, just let them know they are being Fuckheads and it will all be okay.
What really fascinates me is that none of these people, not even one, will act like a Fuckhead in person. Not one. They are your friends for a reason, right? Who the hell knew they were giant douche bags? It must be survival. They know that if they act like that in person, everyone would stay the fuck away from them. But that delete button, man that's like deleting a "real friend"... For those who aren't Fuckheads that can be a hard pill to swallow, so it's not done often. That's how we get stuck with Fuckhead friends.
So you may ask "Well if you hate it so much, then why have one?"... I haven't a fucking clue, so don't ask me that.
*Names weren't used in this post... If they had been, they would probably be about you. Stop being a Fuckhead*
We spend however many countless hours checking up on "friends", updating our status like everyone reads it, and looking over posts wondering "Is that about me?"
Here is a random (or made up) example of a Facebook page...
Now... We all have friends like this. Maybe you are these friends. That sucks for you guys. Because these people suck. They are probably the most annoying thing about the wonderful world of Social Networking.
The Fuckheads.
Family members can be Fuckheads. So can friends. Maybe your neighbor is a Fuckhead and you don't even know it. The Fuckhead Disease doesn't discriminate, it can get anyone that attaches their name to a Social Networking site. If something about the fact that you're sitting behind a computer screen makes you think that you are allowed to be a giant Fuckhead, fix it. Because it's not true... Those Fuckhead things you do piss people off.
These people may not realize they do it. And that's okay, they are the I-Didn't-Know-Fuckheads, just let them know they are being Fuckheads and it will all be okay.
What really fascinates me is that none of these people, not even one, will act like a Fuckhead in person. Not one. They are your friends for a reason, right? Who the hell knew they were giant douche bags? It must be survival. They know that if they act like that in person, everyone would stay the fuck away from them. But that delete button, man that's like deleting a "real friend"... For those who aren't Fuckheads that can be a hard pill to swallow, so it's not done often. That's how we get stuck with Fuckhead friends.
So you may ask "Well if you hate it so much, then why have one?"... I haven't a fucking clue, so don't ask me that.
*Names weren't used in this post... If they had been, they would probably be about you. Stop being a Fuckhead*
Friday, November 2, 2012
Profanity Alert
I say fuck a lot. Like a whole fuck of a lot. It's probably one of my favorite words. I grew up with three Brother Specks*, and they say fuck a lot too. Dad Speck had huge issues with that word, it's probably the reason we said it so fucking often. Then we'd get hit with a cane. Nothing makes you love a word more than a 350 pound man chasing you down and hitting you with a cane for saying it.
It's really a wonderful word. One word that can mean so many emotions all at the same time has to be great!
Love - "I fucking love you"
Hate - "I fucking hate you"
Loathe - "You're not worth my fucking time"
Last Word - "Yeah? Well fuck you"
Pleasure - "Let's fuck"
Excitement - "That's fucking awesome"
Sarcasm - "Well this is fucking wonderful"
The list goes on. For almost every emotion you can possibly have you can fit "fuck" in there and it turns it into something new and meaningful that you wouldn't get otherwise. I've seen pretty fucking awesome lists on the internet where "fuck" was used in a brilliant new way. Do you know why there are so many? Because the word is fucking amazing! I can't tell you how proud I am to be able to speak a language that has a word with such a wonderful fucking ring to it!
I saw a T-Shirt once that made me cry with envy for every fucker that had it. But I can't wear it. Because I have kids.
Have you ever noticed that once you have children, if you utter a bad word* people look at you like you're a horrible parent and you just slapped your child in the face? Pay attention, they do. It's fucking amazing how people can't keep their worries to themselves. They apparently didn't notice their little George buying speed from the person behind them because they were too fucking worried about my use of the English language. Then they wonder why their child grows up to become Big Bertha's bitch and mine just says "fuck" a lot. Maybe if you had said "fuck" now and then they wouldn't wonder what kind of "awesome" world you were hiding them from. Moron.
Even so, I am a nice fucker so I try not to say "fuck" around those who don't like it. Though I wonder why, because it's not like they try to stop giving me Christmas Gifts... No one understands mutual respect these days. Fuck
- The stars (*) mean shit.
1'st * - I actually have four brothers and two sisters. But the others were a bit older than me and weren't around when I was young.
2'nd * - Bad words differ for a lot of people. But my main concern here was "fuck". I was asked once not to say the word "hell", I laughed... That was awkward, because apparently they meant it.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. If this sounds like your family... You need to get George some help, because this shit was made up*
It's really a wonderful word. One word that can mean so many emotions all at the same time has to be great!
Love - "I fucking love you"
Hate - "I fucking hate you"
Loathe - "You're not worth my fucking time"
Last Word - "Yeah? Well fuck you"
Pleasure - "Let's fuck"
Excitement - "That's fucking awesome"
Sarcasm - "Well this is fucking wonderful"
The list goes on. For almost every emotion you can possibly have you can fit "fuck" in there and it turns it into something new and meaningful that you wouldn't get otherwise. I've seen pretty fucking awesome lists on the internet where "fuck" was used in a brilliant new way. Do you know why there are so many? Because the word is fucking amazing! I can't tell you how proud I am to be able to speak a language that has a word with such a wonderful fucking ring to it!
I saw a T-Shirt once that made me cry with envy for every fucker that had it. But I can't wear it. Because I have kids.
Have you ever noticed that once you have children, if you utter a bad word* people look at you like you're a horrible parent and you just slapped your child in the face? Pay attention, they do. It's fucking amazing how people can't keep their worries to themselves. They apparently didn't notice their little George buying speed from the person behind them because they were too fucking worried about my use of the English language. Then they wonder why their child grows up to become Big Bertha's bitch and mine just says "fuck" a lot. Maybe if you had said "fuck" now and then they wouldn't wonder what kind of "awesome" world you were hiding them from. Moron.
Even so, I am a nice fucker so I try not to say "fuck" around those who don't like it. Though I wonder why, because it's not like they try to stop giving me Christmas Gifts... No one understands mutual respect these days. Fuck
- The stars (*) mean shit.
1'st * - I actually have four brothers and two sisters. But the others were a bit older than me and weren't around when I was young.
2'nd * - Bad words differ for a lot of people. But my main concern here was "fuck". I was asked once not to say the word "hell", I laughed... That was awkward, because apparently they meant it.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. If this sounds like your family... You need to get George some help, because this shit was made up*
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Someone Didn't Listen
The Baby Specks had a cold last week. And since they don't understand Germ Warfare I got sick as well.
This isn't just any cold. This shit is the death cold. You know the kind, the one where the kids are just sick enough to be really grouchy for days and are fine otherwise. But when you get it, the shit has mutated into a super bug and you sit there while your still sick children destroy the house and all you can do is moan at them. Yeah, that's the one.
I usually can't figure out where we got the plague from to begin with. Except when I went to a concert and someone had taken their swine flu infested child who was hacking up his lungs in front of me the whole fucking time. This time I am as unsure as usual. Probably another bastard who didn't learn about Germ Warfare and touched the shopping cart with their just sneezed in hand. Fucking gross.
Luckily my Loving Speck isn't sick yet. Because anyone who has been with or around a man for five minutes during an illness will know that they wouldn't make it through the night. Except they will, because it's just a cold.
- As a side note
Since I'm pretty new to this I have been looking at other blogs, and a lot of them do "This month is ____" stuff. Since it's the first of the month I figured I'd take a stab at it...
Did you know November is the month where random facts about the month of November are fucking useless? You did? Good, that covers it then.
This isn't just any cold. This shit is the death cold. You know the kind, the one where the kids are just sick enough to be really grouchy for days and are fine otherwise. But when you get it, the shit has mutated into a super bug and you sit there while your still sick children destroy the house and all you can do is moan at them. Yeah, that's the one.
I usually can't figure out where we got the plague from to begin with. Except when I went to a concert and someone had taken their swine flu infested child who was hacking up his lungs in front of me the whole fucking time. This time I am as unsure as usual. Probably another bastard who didn't learn about Germ Warfare and touched the shopping cart with their just sneezed in hand. Fucking gross.
Luckily my Loving Speck isn't sick yet. Because anyone who has been with or around a man for five minutes during an illness will know that they wouldn't make it through the night. Except they will, because it's just a cold.
- As a side note
Since I'm pretty new to this I have been looking at other blogs, and a lot of them do "This month is ____" stuff. Since it's the first of the month I figured I'd take a stab at it...
Did you know November is the month where random facts about the month of November are fucking useless? You did? Good, that covers it then.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sandy
Since we are currently in the D.C area... We are starting to meet up with Sandy...
Sounds nice huh? Like we are having a friend over for dinner... "Yes dear, Sandy will be here by about 8:00... Should I set the table?". Only this friend is a bitch.
I don't understand the names of hurricanes. They sound like they could be a close friend. I saw one once that had the name of my brother. It was the only fitting hurricane name I've seen to date....
The hurricanes themselves are about as unfitting as their names. They are massive, powerful storms. But they are giant pussies. They move so fucking slow that you could get away from them even if you didn't have a car. Just run fast and you're fine... And if you get far enough inland, they won't chase you because the lazy bitch will get tired and fizzle out...
I always wonder how hurricanes actually kill people. Because people are idiots, that's how. Here you are sitting in your safe little nook away from the storm watching the news and you see assholes on the beach screaming because the waves are 20 feet high, then they wonder why they are about to die? Because you're an idiot, that's why... You had seven fucking days to get as far away from the beach as possible, and you decide to go to the fucking thing? Of course you're going to die! Natural selection wins. Moron.
I used to live in Missouri... Tornadoes were pretty common. Now that is a storm... Those fucking things can wake your ass up at night sending you running for the basement just to whip right by you and not do a thing... Ten minutes later you're back in bed... Not sleeping. Son-of-a-bitch. So the next time you just stay in bed, you know, the one time you should have been in the basement... Now you're fucked, you better be right with Jesus.
Really, now that I think about it, pretty much any storm is more impressive than a hurricane... Unless you live in Hawaii. You're all fucked. Unless you own a plane.
I'd like a plane.
Sounds nice huh? Like we are having a friend over for dinner... "Yes dear, Sandy will be here by about 8:00... Should I set the table?". Only this friend is a bitch.
I don't understand the names of hurricanes. They sound like they could be a close friend. I saw one once that had the name of my brother. It was the only fitting hurricane name I've seen to date....
The hurricanes themselves are about as unfitting as their names. They are massive, powerful storms. But they are giant pussies. They move so fucking slow that you could get away from them even if you didn't have a car. Just run fast and you're fine... And if you get far enough inland, they won't chase you because the lazy bitch will get tired and fizzle out...
I always wonder how hurricanes actually kill people. Because people are idiots, that's how. Here you are sitting in your safe little nook away from the storm watching the news and you see assholes on the beach screaming because the waves are 20 feet high, then they wonder why they are about to die? Because you're an idiot, that's why... You had seven fucking days to get as far away from the beach as possible, and you decide to go to the fucking thing? Of course you're going to die! Natural selection wins. Moron.
I used to live in Missouri... Tornadoes were pretty common. Now that is a storm... Those fucking things can wake your ass up at night sending you running for the basement just to whip right by you and not do a thing... Ten minutes later you're back in bed... Not sleeping. Son-of-a-bitch. So the next time you just stay in bed, you know, the one time you should have been in the basement... Now you're fucked, you better be right with Jesus.
Really, now that I think about it, pretty much any storm is more impressive than a hurricane... Unless you live in Hawaii. You're all fucked. Unless you own a plane.
I'd like a plane.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Happy Holiday?
As I walk through
the aisles in the local Wal-Mart, I have come to realize that Christmas
is coming around again....
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
Germ Warfare
Here are some tips to start you off... Please, make sure your hands are clean before clicking...
Ways to keep your germs to yourself...
A) Think of sneezing as one swift motion with three steps
You feel a sneeze coming on, your hand automatically goes to your mouth.... Stop that right now!
1 - Cover your mouth with the inside of your elbow because you generally don't use that area of your arm for touching anything else. (a tissue is better, but not always available)
2 - Turn your head away from innocent bystanders (just in case)
3 - Wash hands (just in case)
B) Coughing... Is the same as sneezing... One swift motion, three steps.
C) Anything done in the bathroom (even if you only enter the bathroom change your mind and leave) REQUIRES a THOROUGH hand washing. This is accomplished as follows...
1 - Wet hands
2 - Apply generous amounts of soap
3 - Lather well (don't forget under the nails)
4 - Rinse
D) Hugging is germy. Don't do it.... EVER....
I will now teach you the hand shake.
1 - Reach out with one (clean) hand to a friend/family member/acquaintance.
2 - Grasp their hand, not too tight and not too loose.
3 - Give a little shake.
4 - Do not touch your face until you have washed your hands as shown in section C 1 - 4
There are two types of people in the world... Huggers, and anti-huggers. One does not mix well with the other. As you have probably already noticed, I am an anti-hugger. I hug as rarely as I have to, and when I do I am very uncomfortable.
There are also two types of "huggers" there are the ones that hug whenever you make eye contact
"HEY, LOOK GUYS IT'S ______" *waves rapidly and starts running in your direction with arms open for a hug*
Oh god, its a fucking mob of them!!! Eyes down walk away... Eyes down. Walk... Away... Aww shit "hey guys"
Then there are those who only hug on "hello's" and "goodbye's"... Those ones aren't so bad... Unless they are the type that like to hug but haven't timed it right....
"Aww, it was nice to see you too ________... We HAVE to do it again sometime" *Hug............. Hug........... Hug.........*
Jesus Christ does she/he know I'm suffocating?
I'm not really sure what the obsession with hugging is... What's so comforting about being smothered to death by someone else's germs? So some smart bastard decided that hand shaking was the way to go.... This germaphobe deserves an AWARD! Why?... I'll tell you why...
1 - You can't hug when your sick so then people are wondering if you're really sick, or if you're avoiding their hugs
2 - Hand shakes don't need a warning label that says "may cause suffocation"
3 - A hand shake doesn't run the risk of coming off too strong... "I'm sorry Mr. President... I'm... A Hugger"
4 - You don't have to explain a hand shake... "I know she/he's my Ex. But it was just a friendly hug"
5 - And last but not least... You can wash off a hand shake, no harm done. To get a hug off of you, you need a shower and a wardrobe change.
A) Think of sneezing as one swift motion with three steps
You feel a sneeze coming on, your hand automatically goes to your mouth.... Stop that right now!
1 - Cover your mouth with the inside of your elbow because you generally don't use that area of your arm for touching anything else. (a tissue is better, but not always available)
2 - Turn your head away from innocent bystanders (just in case)
3 - Wash hands (just in case)
B) Coughing... Is the same as sneezing... One swift motion, three steps.
C) Anything done in the bathroom (even if you only enter the bathroom change your mind and leave) REQUIRES a THOROUGH hand washing. This is accomplished as follows...
1 - Wet hands
2 - Apply generous amounts of soap
3 - Lather well (don't forget under the nails)
4 - Rinse
D) Hugging is germy. Don't do it.... EVER....
I will now teach you the hand shake.
1 - Reach out with one (clean) hand to a friend/family member/acquaintance.
2 - Grasp their hand, not too tight and not too loose.
3 - Give a little shake.
4 - Do not touch your face until you have washed your hands as shown in section C 1 - 4
There are two types of people in the world... Huggers, and anti-huggers. One does not mix well with the other. As you have probably already noticed, I am an anti-hugger. I hug as rarely as I have to, and when I do I am very uncomfortable.
There are also two types of "huggers" there are the ones that hug whenever you make eye contact
"HEY, LOOK GUYS IT'S ______" *waves rapidly and starts running in your direction with arms open for a hug*
Oh god, its a fucking mob of them!!! Eyes down walk away... Eyes down. Walk... Away... Aww shit "hey guys"
Then there are those who only hug on "hello's" and "goodbye's"... Those ones aren't so bad... Unless they are the type that like to hug but haven't timed it right....
"Aww, it was nice to see you too ________... We HAVE to do it again sometime" *Hug............. Hug........... Hug.........*
Jesus Christ does she/he know I'm suffocating?
I'm not really sure what the obsession with hugging is... What's so comforting about being smothered to death by someone else's germs? So some smart bastard decided that hand shaking was the way to go.... This germaphobe deserves an AWARD! Why?... I'll tell you why...
1 - You can't hug when your sick so then people are wondering if you're really sick, or if you're avoiding their hugs
2 - Hand shakes don't need a warning label that says "may cause suffocation"
3 - A hand shake doesn't run the risk of coming off too strong... "I'm sorry Mr. President... I'm... A Hugger"
4 - You don't have to explain a hand shake... "I know she/he's my Ex. But it was just a friendly hug"
5 - And last but not least... You can wash off a hand shake, no harm done. To get a hug off of you, you need a shower and a wardrobe change.
Inside the Dust Speck
You may be wondering what is in the mind of a Dust Speck.
I am here to give you that answer...
We are the normal. The every day people. Not extra awesome, sometimes funny, and always kinda dorky... Yeah... Amidst a sea of dust bunnies, one Dust Speck doesn't stand tall. Until that little speck picks up his voice and it is heard by one lonely misunderstood elephant in the Jungle of......... Wait.... That's "Horton Hears A Who"....
As you can see I have a few kids, three to be exact. They are pretty awesome. I also have one fiance. Yes, I have to emphasize "one"... Apparently polygamy is "in" these days... Or something of the sort. Anyway he's kinda cool too I guess.
I'm new to this thing. So we will see how it works out...
Before now I was using the wonderful world of Social Networking "notes" system to fiddle with... And then I realized how lame that was... So, welcome to the random world of one little dust speck...
I am here to give you that answer...
We are the normal. The every day people. Not extra awesome, sometimes funny, and always kinda dorky... Yeah... Amidst a sea of dust bunnies, one Dust Speck doesn't stand tall. Until that little speck picks up his voice and it is heard by one lonely misunderstood elephant in the Jungle of......... Wait.... That's "Horton Hears A Who"....
As you can see I have a few kids, three to be exact. They are pretty awesome. I also have one fiance. Yes, I have to emphasize "one"... Apparently polygamy is "in" these days... Or something of the sort. Anyway he's kinda cool too I guess.
I'm new to this thing. So we will see how it works out...
Before now I was using the wonderful world of Social Networking "notes" system to fiddle with... And then I realized how lame that was... So, welcome to the random world of one little dust speck...
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