As I walk through
the aisles in the local Wal-Mart, I have come to realize that Christmas
is coming around again....
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
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