Sunday, October 28, 2012

Germ Warfare

Here are some tips to start you off... Please, make sure your hands are clean before clicking...


Ways to keep your germs to yourself...

A) Think of sneezing as one swift motion with three steps
You feel a sneeze coming on, your hand automatically goes to your mouth.... Stop that right now!

1 - Cover your mouth with the inside of your elbow because you generally don't use that area of your arm for touching anything else. (a tissue is better, but not always available)
2 - Turn your head away from innocent bystanders (just in case)
3 - Wash hands (just in case)

B) Coughing... Is the same as sneezing... One swift motion, three steps.
C) Anything done in the bathroom (even if you only enter the bathroom change your mind and leave) REQUIRES a THOROUGH hand washing. This is accomplished as follows...

1 - Wet hands
2 - Apply generous amounts of soap
3 - Lather well (don't forget under the nails)
4 - Rinse

D) Hugging is germy. Don't do it.... EVER....

I will now teach you the hand shake.

1 - Reach out with one (clean) hand to a friend/family member/acquaintance.
2 - Grasp their hand, not too tight and not too loose.
3 - Give a little shake.
4 - Do not touch your face until you have washed your hands as shown in section C 1 - 4

There are two types of people in the world... Huggers, and anti-huggers. One does not mix well with the other. As you have probably already noticed, I am an anti-hugger. I hug as rarely as I have to, and when I do I am very uncomfortable.

There are also two types of "huggers" there are the ones that hug whenever you make eye contact
"HEY, LOOK GUYS IT'S ______" *waves rapidly and starts running in your direction with arms open for a hug*
Oh god, its a fucking mob of them!!! Eyes down walk away... Eyes down. Walk... Away... Aww shit "hey guys"

Then there are those who only hug on "hello's" and "goodbye's"... Those ones aren't so bad... Unless they are the type that like to hug but haven't timed it right....
"Aww, it was nice to see you too ________... We HAVE to do it again sometime" *Hug............. Hug........... Hug.........*
Jesus Christ does she/he know I'm suffocating?

I'm not really sure what the obsession with hugging is... What's so comforting about being smothered to death by someone else's germs? So some smart bastard decided that hand shaking was the way to go.... This germaphobe deserves an AWARD! Why?... I'll tell you why...

1 - You can't hug when your sick so then people are wondering if you're really sick, or if you're avoiding their hugs
2 - Hand shakes don't need a warning label that says "may cause suffocation"
3 - A hand shake doesn't run the risk of coming off too strong... "I'm sorry Mr. President... I'm... A Hugger"
4 - You don't have to explain a hand shake... "I know she/he's my Ex. But it was just a friendly hug"
5 - And last but not least... You can wash off a hand shake, no harm done. To get a hug off of you, you need a shower and a wardrobe change.

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