Chain Updates

I hate chain updates...

They used to be called "chain mail". Those were the good ole' days when you could see the subject and delete it ASAP... But now they come in status updates or pictures. Plastered all over your Social Network. They sit there gazing at you through the depths of the insanely stupid. 

- "Now that you have started reading this you must finish or...."

Guess what? Nothing happens.

But they keep coming. You're just forced to read and shake your head. My neck is kinked...

- "You will be cursed for the next ten years by...."

Your mom? Because if you don't stop updating your status with bullshit I'm going to kick you in the face. That may piss her off. So I guess you're right. Sorry I didn't forward your crap.

If those aren't bad enough you also have the fake statistics... 

- "My puppy died! I know 99% of you won't have the guts to re-post this..."

You're wrong. I have the guts. I just don't give a shit. I don't give a damn about your random picture of your ugly smelly dog with your random fake statistic. I am your fake as shit 99%... Deal with it.

Or the 

- "Like if you care, ignore if you don't"

Seriously? I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't give a fuck if I scroll by your stupid picture that claims I don't love my mom if I don't re-post your stupid picture about loving my mom. I'm not clogging up my media with your stupid "like whore" bullshit.

And last but definitely not least you have the "re-post without facts". These ones can be pretty funny. Especially since they get a beating when it comes to Memes. But they have "chain status" plastered all over them. Though, to the ones who don't care about facts and only care about having a false sense of security these are gems of the Social Network scene.

- "Facebook is going to start making you pay for use unless you..." 

^ starts a riot while being a total lie

- "The galaxies are colliding and the end of the world is coming!"

^ starts a riot while missing key information (in four billion years)

But people keep believing in the shady lies of the internet. And until the planet becomes more informed we can all continue to have a laugh (or tear) at their expense. Or we can just wait until the world ends. Which ever comes first.

*If you are a poster of chain updates... We need to talk*

Blogging Whore

I have all of four Dust Bunnies (readers) now.

*sound of crickets*

This blog thing is apparently easier said than done. You have to be a combination of funny, charismatic, witty, wise, and just plain awesome to do the job right. I am none of those things.

It just so happens that I am pretty average. I'm okay with that... Until I try to put myself out there like a Whore on a corner, and I don't get laid. Then I walk home with my pride in tact and empty pockets. I have plenty of pride, not enough money. Why can this not be used to my advantage?

You gotta hand it to those women. They have the shittiest hours alive, a new boss to please every night, and the pay blows. Quite literally. But there they are every night, giving their pride away for some easy... Cash...

I love being a stay-at-home-mom, but now and then I fiddle with the idea of going to work and having real conversations where the subject of poo was strictly prohibited. So I envy most working women, but Whores are not one of them. It sounds too much like what I do on a daily basis.

• Up all night - Check
• Hard to please boss - Check
• Crap pay - Check
• Hoping I make it through the night without getting shit on me - Double check

That last one is a deal breaker for me. I had that happen in the front seat of a van before. It was gross, we will not speak of it.

But blogging is like being a Whore. A cheap interweb Whore. If you're good you have people crawling all over your page because they can't get enough. And if you suck, then you can leave it to the interweb to let you know. Just like a Pimp.

Damn Pimps.

*I have no problem with whores or pimps. If you are a whore or a pimp, carry on*

Social Networking

I am of two minds when it comes to Social Networking... It sucks... And it fucking sucks.

We spend however many countless hours checking up on "friends", updating our status like everyone reads it, and looking over posts wondering "Is that about me?"

Here is a random (or made up) example of a Facebook page...

Now... We all have friends like this. Maybe you are these friends. That sucks for you guys. Because these people suck. They are probably the most annoying thing about the wonderful world of Social Networking.

The Fuckheads.

Family members can be Fuckheads. So can friends. Maybe your neighbor is a Fuckhead and you don't even know it. The Fuckhead Disease doesn't discriminate, it can get anyone that attaches their name to a Social Networking site. If something about the fact that you're sitting behind a computer screen makes you think that you are allowed to be a giant Fuckhead, fix it. Because it's not true... Those Fuckhead things you do piss people off.

These people may not realize they do it. And that's okay, they are the I-Didn't-Know-Fuckheads, just let them know they are being Fuckheads and it will all be okay.

What really fascinates me is that none of these people, not even one, will act like a Fuckhead in person. Not one. They are your friends for a reason, right? Who the hell knew they were giant douche bags? It must be survival. They know that if they act like that in person, everyone would stay the fuck away from them. But that delete button, man that's like deleting a "real friend"... For those who aren't Fuckheads that can be a hard pill to swallow, so it's not done often. That's how we get stuck with Fuckhead friends.

So you may ask "Well if you hate it so much, then why have one?"... I haven't a fucking clue, so don't ask me that.

*Names weren't used in this post... If they had been, they would probably be about you. Stop being a Fuckhead*

Profanity Alert

I say fuck a lot. Like a whole fuck of a lot. It's probably one of my favorite words. I grew up with three Brother Specks*, and they say fuck a lot too. Dad Speck had huge issues with that word, it's probably the reason we said it so fucking often. Then we'd get hit with a cane. Nothing makes you love a word more than a 350 pound man chasing you down and hitting you with a cane for saying it.

It's really a wonderful word. One word that can mean so many emotions all at the same time has to be great!

Love - "I fucking love you"
Hate - "I fucking hate you"
Loathe - "You're not worth my fucking time"
Last Word - "Yeah? Well fuck you"
Pleasure - "Let's fuck"
Excitement - "That's fucking awesome"
Sarcasm - "Well this is fucking wonderful"

The list goes on. For almost every emotion you can possibly have you can fit "fuck" in there and it turns it into something new and meaningful that you wouldn't get otherwise. I've seen pretty fucking awesome lists on the internet where "fuck" was used in a brilliant new way. Do you know why there are so many? Because the word is fucking amazing! I can't tell you how proud I am to be able to speak a language that has a word with such a wonderful fucking ring to it!

I saw a T-Shirt once that made me cry with envy for every fucker that had it. But I can't wear it. Because I have kids.

Have you ever noticed that once you have children, if you utter a bad word* people look at you like you're a horrible parent and you just slapped your child in the face? Pay attention, they do. It's fucking amazing how people can't keep their worries to themselves. They apparently didn't notice their little George buying speed from the person behind them because they were too fucking worried about my use of the English language. Then they wonder why their child grows up to become Big Bertha's bitch and mine just says "fuck" a lot. Maybe if you had said "fuck" now and then they wouldn't wonder what kind of "awesome" world you were hiding them from. Moron.

Even so, I am a nice fucker so I try not to say "fuck" around those who don't like it. Though I wonder why, because it's not like they try to stop giving me Christmas Gifts... No one understands mutual respect these days. Fuck

- The stars (*) mean shit.

1'st * - I actually have four brothers and two sisters. But the others were a bit older than me and weren't around when I was young.

2'nd * - Bad words differ for a lot of people. But my main concern here was "fuck". I was asked once not to say the word "hell", I laughed... That was awkward, because apparently they meant it.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. If this sounds like your family... You need to get George some help, because this shit was made up*

Someone Didn't Listen

The Baby Specks had a cold last week. And since they don't understand Germ Warfare I got sick as well.

This isn't just any cold. This shit is the death cold. You know the kind, the one where the kids are just sick enough to be really grouchy for days and are fine otherwise. But when you get it, the shit has mutated into a super bug and you sit there while your still sick children destroy the house and all you can do is moan at them. Yeah, that's the one.

I usually can't figure out where we got the plague from to begin with. Except when I went to a concert and someone had taken their swine flu infested child who was hacking up his lungs in front of me the whole fucking time. This time I am as unsure as usual. Probably another bastard who didn't learn about Germ Warfare and touched the shopping cart with their just sneezed in hand. Fucking gross.

Luckily my Loving Speck isn't sick yet. Because anyone who has been with or around a man for five minutes during an illness will know that they wouldn't make it through the night. Except they will, because it's just a cold.

- As a side note

Since I'm pretty new to this I have been looking at other blogs, and a lot of them do "This month is ____" stuff. Since it's the first of the month I figured I'd take a stab at it...

Did you know November is the month where random facts about the month of November are fucking useless? You did? Good, that covers it then.