The Snowy North

It's been a bit since I have written. Life happens...

We are moving soon. North. This makes me very happy, because north means snow. I love the snow and the cold. I love it because you can always put more clothes on... But when it's too warm there comes a point in the attempt to get cool that you get locked up for fanning your nude self in the parking lot of Wal-Mart. People don't like that, I hear it's a family establishment.

When I say north you imagine the far snowy north of Alaska or The Yukon where you can get icicles to form on your eyelashes just by stepping outside. But really I mean New Hampshire, which is, aside from Maine, as far north as you can get without needing a passport and an Idiots Guide To French. I don't speak French, and no matter how much I say I like the cold, I definitely don't want to be the moron standing in the street trying to read my Idiot Guide through the icicles on my face because I lost my hotel. Those Canadians can keep their bacon. I'm not interested.

That's one extreme. Then there is the other. Heat. You know what I'm talking about. Searing, cook eggs on a rock outside, bloody fucking burn in hell heat. I lived in Missouri for most of my childhood, there are weeks in the summer there where you can't go outside because the humidity will suffocate you and the heat is like an oven. Temperatures can get to be 115 - 120 degrees. Yes, you heard right. One Hundred and Twenty degrees. I've had ovens that didn't get that fucking hot. Granted that's when I lived in my meant-for-rats apartment, but that's beside the point.

I hate the heat. The only good thing about heat is that you can go swimming. Swimming is such a nice pastime. The whole family will get together and go to the lake, river, or ocean and spend the day getting burnt to a fucking crisp. Then you spend the rest of the week recovering with a bottle of Aloe clutched in your hand like it's your first born son and you forgot to paint your door red. Shit.

So to the semi-north it is. Where the snow is just right and the streets are paved with thermometers that don't raise above 90.

*If you are Canadian, you have bigger balls than I... Also, please send bacon*