Since we are currently in the D.C area... We are starting to meet up with Sandy...
Sounds nice huh? Like we are having a friend over for dinner... "Yes dear, Sandy will be here by about 8:00... Should I set the table?". Only this friend is a bitch.
I don't understand the names of hurricanes. They sound like they could be a close friend. I saw one once that had the name of my brother. It was the only fitting hurricane name I've seen to date....
The hurricanes themselves are about as unfitting as their names. They are massive, powerful storms. But they are giant pussies. They move so fucking slow that you could get away from them even if you didn't have a car. Just run fast and you're fine... And if you get far enough inland, they won't chase you because the lazy bitch will get tired and fizzle out...
I always wonder how hurricanes actually kill people. Because people are idiots, that's how. Here you are sitting in your safe little nook away from the storm watching the news and you see assholes on the beach screaming because the waves are 20 feet high, then they wonder why they are about to die? Because you're an idiot, that's why... You had seven fucking days to get as far away from the beach as possible, and you decide to go to the fucking thing? Of course you're going to die! Natural selection wins. Moron.
I used to live in Missouri... Tornadoes were pretty common. Now that is a storm... Those fucking things can wake your ass up at night sending you running for the basement just to whip right by you and not do a thing... Ten minutes later you're back in bed... Not sleeping. Son-of-a-bitch. So the next time you just stay in bed, you know, the one time you should have been in the basement... Now you're fucked, you better be right with Jesus.
Really, now that I think about it, pretty much any storm is more impressive than a hurricane... Unless you live in Hawaii. You're all fucked. Unless you own a plane.
I'd like a plane.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Happy Holiday?
As I walk through
the aisles in the local Wal-Mart, I have come to realize that Christmas
is coming around again....
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
Ahhh Christmas... The crackle of logs on the fire, the smell of wood smoke in the air, the children playing in the snow, and the opening of presents under the tree Christmas morning.
Oh Christmas... How I loath you.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love all that other stuff... But I've come to realize that Christmas is the most selfish holiday of all time.... Now, I'm sure you're wondering how exactly a holiday of "giving" and "cheer" can be selfish.... Well, let me tell you!
Christmas has the highest suicide rate of the entire year... Why then, with all the "warm cheer" going around do so many poor bastards want to off themselves?... Because Christmas is selfish... It's the rich bastard down the street who can "outdo" the tiny set of lights over your door. It's the family member who wants to invite you for dinner knowing you won't come "I wouldn't invite you if I knew you would actually get here". And it's the coworker that gives you gifts.
Now, come on... How can giving someone a gift be a bad thing?
Because Christmas is a selfish bastard... Do those people bother to wonder if you can actually afford to buy them a gift in return? Of course not, because that's not what the holiday is about... But you're forgetting the last time someone got you a gift and you hadn't thought to get them one... Yeah, that's awkward "Oh thank you! Shoot, I left yours in the car, I'll grab it at lunch!"... Then you have to take that whole lunch hour buying them something at the local CVS... Have you ever gotten a really shitty gift? It was probably because they bought it at CVS on their lunch break.... Damn selfish holiday.
So I have always only bought for the children in the family... And only if I am there with them... Shipping during the holiday? For that cost I could buy a plane ticket and bring the gifts to them. At least then they would make it on time.... But no matter how many times you say "No, seriously... Don't get me anything"... Someone always gets you something... And then you feel like complete shit if you can't buy for them... It's like showing up at a nudist beach, just to find out it isn't a nudist beach.... There's that awkward feeling again.
And then you have dinner time... Holiday dinners are classic... You invite everyone and their brother to a gathering of classic foods and nice dishes when the long day is done. But what about little "Greg" who is allergic to milk and pukes out his nose because someone gave him a bit of ice cream? Not everyone can eat the classic foods you selfish bitch of a holiday...
But does it care? No... Because Christmas is a selfish holiday, it just keeps on coming and giving shitty CVS gifts and puking half digested ice cream on Aunt Betty's shoes...
Happy Holidays! :P
*All names have been changed to protect the innocent... If this sounds like your family, it very well could be... Just nod and move on*
Germ Warfare
Here are some tips to start you off... Please, make sure your hands are clean before clicking...
Ways to keep your germs to yourself...
A) Think of sneezing as one swift motion with three steps
You feel a sneeze coming on, your hand automatically goes to your mouth.... Stop that right now!
1 - Cover your mouth with the inside of your elbow because you generally don't use that area of your arm for touching anything else. (a tissue is better, but not always available)
2 - Turn your head away from innocent bystanders (just in case)
3 - Wash hands (just in case)
B) Coughing... Is the same as sneezing... One swift motion, three steps.
C) Anything done in the bathroom (even if you only enter the bathroom change your mind and leave) REQUIRES a THOROUGH hand washing. This is accomplished as follows...
1 - Wet hands
2 - Apply generous amounts of soap
3 - Lather well (don't forget under the nails)
4 - Rinse
D) Hugging is germy. Don't do it.... EVER....
I will now teach you the hand shake.
1 - Reach out with one (clean) hand to a friend/family member/acquaintance.
2 - Grasp their hand, not too tight and not too loose.
3 - Give a little shake.
4 - Do not touch your face until you have washed your hands as shown in section C 1 - 4
There are two types of people in the world... Huggers, and anti-huggers. One does not mix well with the other. As you have probably already noticed, I am an anti-hugger. I hug as rarely as I have to, and when I do I am very uncomfortable.
There are also two types of "huggers" there are the ones that hug whenever you make eye contact
"HEY, LOOK GUYS IT'S ______" *waves rapidly and starts running in your direction with arms open for a hug*
Oh god, its a fucking mob of them!!! Eyes down walk away... Eyes down. Walk... Away... Aww shit "hey guys"
Then there are those who only hug on "hello's" and "goodbye's"... Those ones aren't so bad... Unless they are the type that like to hug but haven't timed it right....
"Aww, it was nice to see you too ________... We HAVE to do it again sometime" *Hug............. Hug........... Hug.........*
Jesus Christ does she/he know I'm suffocating?
I'm not really sure what the obsession with hugging is... What's so comforting about being smothered to death by someone else's germs? So some smart bastard decided that hand shaking was the way to go.... This germaphobe deserves an AWARD! Why?... I'll tell you why...
1 - You can't hug when your sick so then people are wondering if you're really sick, or if you're avoiding their hugs
2 - Hand shakes don't need a warning label that says "may cause suffocation"
3 - A hand shake doesn't run the risk of coming off too strong... "I'm sorry Mr. President... I'm... A Hugger"
4 - You don't have to explain a hand shake... "I know she/he's my Ex. But it was just a friendly hug"
5 - And last but not least... You can wash off a hand shake, no harm done. To get a hug off of you, you need a shower and a wardrobe change.
A) Think of sneezing as one swift motion with three steps
You feel a sneeze coming on, your hand automatically goes to your mouth.... Stop that right now!
1 - Cover your mouth with the inside of your elbow because you generally don't use that area of your arm for touching anything else. (a tissue is better, but not always available)
2 - Turn your head away from innocent bystanders (just in case)
3 - Wash hands (just in case)
B) Coughing... Is the same as sneezing... One swift motion, three steps.
C) Anything done in the bathroom (even if you only enter the bathroom change your mind and leave) REQUIRES a THOROUGH hand washing. This is accomplished as follows...
1 - Wet hands
2 - Apply generous amounts of soap
3 - Lather well (don't forget under the nails)
4 - Rinse
D) Hugging is germy. Don't do it.... EVER....
I will now teach you the hand shake.
1 - Reach out with one (clean) hand to a friend/family member/acquaintance.
2 - Grasp their hand, not too tight and not too loose.
3 - Give a little shake.
4 - Do not touch your face until you have washed your hands as shown in section C 1 - 4
There are two types of people in the world... Huggers, and anti-huggers. One does not mix well with the other. As you have probably already noticed, I am an anti-hugger. I hug as rarely as I have to, and when I do I am very uncomfortable.
There are also two types of "huggers" there are the ones that hug whenever you make eye contact
"HEY, LOOK GUYS IT'S ______" *waves rapidly and starts running in your direction with arms open for a hug*
Oh god, its a fucking mob of them!!! Eyes down walk away... Eyes down. Walk... Away... Aww shit "hey guys"
Then there are those who only hug on "hello's" and "goodbye's"... Those ones aren't so bad... Unless they are the type that like to hug but haven't timed it right....
"Aww, it was nice to see you too ________... We HAVE to do it again sometime" *Hug............. Hug........... Hug.........*
Jesus Christ does she/he know I'm suffocating?
I'm not really sure what the obsession with hugging is... What's so comforting about being smothered to death by someone else's germs? So some smart bastard decided that hand shaking was the way to go.... This germaphobe deserves an AWARD! Why?... I'll tell you why...
1 - You can't hug when your sick so then people are wondering if you're really sick, or if you're avoiding their hugs
2 - Hand shakes don't need a warning label that says "may cause suffocation"
3 - A hand shake doesn't run the risk of coming off too strong... "I'm sorry Mr. President... I'm... A Hugger"
4 - You don't have to explain a hand shake... "I know she/he's my Ex. But it was just a friendly hug"
5 - And last but not least... You can wash off a hand shake, no harm done. To get a hug off of you, you need a shower and a wardrobe change.
Inside the Dust Speck
You may be wondering what is in the mind of a Dust Speck.
I am here to give you that answer...
We are the normal. The every day people. Not extra awesome, sometimes funny, and always kinda dorky... Yeah... Amidst a sea of dust bunnies, one Dust Speck doesn't stand tall. Until that little speck picks up his voice and it is heard by one lonely misunderstood elephant in the Jungle of......... Wait.... That's "Horton Hears A Who"....
As you can see I have a few kids, three to be exact. They are pretty awesome. I also have one fiance. Yes, I have to emphasize "one"... Apparently polygamy is "in" these days... Or something of the sort. Anyway he's kinda cool too I guess.
I'm new to this thing. So we will see how it works out...
Before now I was using the wonderful world of Social Networking "notes" system to fiddle with... And then I realized how lame that was... So, welcome to the random world of one little dust speck...
I am here to give you that answer...
We are the normal. The every day people. Not extra awesome, sometimes funny, and always kinda dorky... Yeah... Amidst a sea of dust bunnies, one Dust Speck doesn't stand tall. Until that little speck picks up his voice and it is heard by one lonely misunderstood elephant in the Jungle of......... Wait.... That's "Horton Hears A Who"....
As you can see I have a few kids, three to be exact. They are pretty awesome. I also have one fiance. Yes, I have to emphasize "one"... Apparently polygamy is "in" these days... Or something of the sort. Anyway he's kinda cool too I guess.
I'm new to this thing. So we will see how it works out...
Before now I was using the wonderful world of Social Networking "notes" system to fiddle with... And then I realized how lame that was... So, welcome to the random world of one little dust speck...
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