The Pocketless Pants

I have things. Sometimes I have a lot of things. I like to bring these things with me when I go places. A wallet, phone, an astrolabe. You know, the normal stuff. But I can't, because I have no pockets.

I'm a woman, and I don't know if you have seen the recent selection of clothes lately, but our pants don't have pockets. I think I heard somewhere that women wanted their asses to look good, and to do that they got rid of pockets. It worked! My ass looks wonderful when I drop my shit on my feet because I didn't have a fucking pocket to put it in.

I'm guessing you're wondering why I don't just get a purse. Well, because pants are supposed to have fucking pockets, that's why. For any normal person, pockets are enough.

Not all women carry purses. I know, this is a shock. But it's also true. I don't spend hours in the store trying to find a purse that will match every outfit I own. I'm lucky if I can get my shirt to match my pants. My annoyingly useless pocketless pants.

Since I don't want a purse, and I don't have pockets, I had to do something. So we bought a car. I know, this seems extreme. It also didn't work. Because then my kids shit filled up the car. Their cups, their bags, their extra everything was flowing all over the car like the Red Sea when Moses left *splash*. I feel like the clothing companies owe me compensation for this gigantic mistake. I thought it would be like a really big pocket. And it was! For my kids, who apparently need pockets too.

So we got a minivan instead. And now I feel like a "soccer mom". You know what soccer moms have? A whole lot of shit to take with them and no fucking pockets. The minivan helps with this issue. It's called a "mini"van, but the thing is a fucking beast. It's so much of a beast, it came with its own fucking pockets. Not that it helps, because eventually I have to leave the car.

I guess that's what a purse is for.

*For those who may be wondering. I do not carry a purse. It's a bag. A rustic, not fashionable bag. It even has holes.*