The "Don't Do That!" Pregnancy

I have Baby Specks. So I've been through the pregnancy thing a few times.

You have the aches, the pains, the nausea, the it's-not-just-for-mornings sickness, the doctor appointments, the weight gain, the swollen everything. But I think the one thing that pisses me off most about pregnancy, is the fact that once people find out you're pregnant they feel the need to repeat the age old condescending question. "Should you be doing that?"

I call them the "don't do that" friends. But they don't have to be friends. Hell, you don't even have to know these assholes. Something about someone being pregnant makes random people think that they can give you any bit of advice by pointing to your belly and asking "should you be doing that?"... No, I probably shouldn't. But I also don't give a fuck about your opinion. So there's that.

They will do this about anything.

The second slice of cake - "Should you eat that?"
A cup of soda - "Caffeine is bad for the baby, should you drink that?"
Lifting - "That's too heavy, should you be lifting that?"

But the biggest "don't do that" starters are smoking and drinking. A sip of wine to welcome the New Year will get gasps all around, and a quick smoke after denying yourself all week? Holy shit! You would think you just set a bible on fire. 

When I was pregnant for my third child, I had a very hard time quitting. And these "should you?" people are so numerous I had to send my Brother Speck to the store for my cigarettes because the clerk would tell me "you shouldn't be doing that". Every. Single. Time. Do they stand in line to tell you that you're going to die of cancer when you're not pregnant? No. Do they give you dirty looks when you have a small glass of wine at the end of a long day when you haven't spent that day growing another person? Not at all. But something about being your 'glowy' self tells people that they can be farther inside your business than your gynecologist.

Probably even more condescending than "should you be doing that?", are the times you don't get asked. You get told.

Those are the "I would offer you, but..." assholes. Yeah, they exist. And man alive, these people have some balls. It would take some gigantically rude balls to say that to a fat woman "Well, I would offer you cake, but...". So why, in your wildest dreams, do you deem it necessary to say something like that to a pregnant woman? For any reason? Do you feel an obligation to protect her child? If you do, that's fucking creepy, leave her alone. People like you are the reason restraining orders exist.

You never know what being judged is like until you become a parent. Before that baby is even born you are judged by what you eat, drink, say, do, or wear by random strangers. "You shouldn't", "you can't", and "should you?" all grace your ears on a daily basis. But take satisfaction with the fact that sometimes, just now and then, it's okay to shove these people into a tiny suitcase and throw them off of a bridge. Because, hey! You're pregnant, blame it on the hormones. Everyone else does.

*Now, don't get me wrong. Women all know these things are bad for a growing fetus, probably even more so than you (you know, because people like you won't let us forget). Which is why we stop these things during pregnancy as often as possible. But for those that can't, or don't I'm pretty sure it isn't any business of yours. Unless of course you had a friend who knew someone once somewhere who... Oh wait, never mind. It's still none of your business*