The Creepy Crawlies

I have Pet Specks. But these pets aren't the normal every day pets that most people have. You know those things you squish when they come into your home? Yeah, those are my pets. Spiders, Lizards, and Snakes. I love these guys for many reasons. Here are just a few.

Antisocial Qualities - I have them. I'm not a huge fan of people, and that makes these pets the best pets for me. You know why? Because no one wants to come over for dinner when there's a snake watching you eat. And if they do, we may actually get along.

They Don't Lie - I'm sure you're saying "My pets don't lie either!". But you're currently being lied to. As we speak, your snugly little kitten, or loving little puppy, is learning your weaknesses. They are plotting against you and one day, you may lose an arm. They're lying little bastards, pretending to be your friend until you don't give them the correct bone. I hope you didn't enjoy having that side of your face.
My pets, they don't fuck around. Eventually they WILL bite you, and it WILL suck. And when that moment comes, you can't be shocked and say "I didn't see it coming!". It was a ten inch spider you dumb-fuck, of course you saw it coming.

They're Low Maintenance - No. Stop right there. The dog you have to walk five times a day just so it shits on your bed at night is NOT low maintenance. Cleaning up cat barf that smells like week old tuna because it ate that weird looking dead thing on the ground, is NOT low maintenance. Low maintenance is giving a bit of food and water, sitting back, and watching the show. Because these guys are pretty awesome when they hunt for food. Have you ever seen a dog or cat eat their crunchy bits? Highly entertaining for the feeble minded I'm sure. 

They're A Great Conversation Starter - You're welcome to say that you have a dog or a cat, and even what breed. That's pretty much as far as that topic will ever go. But you can spend hours talking about these pets, because not only are they awesome, they're all different. And you can have more than four before you have to have a kennel license inside city limits.

Last but not least - You Don't Have To Board Them - Yeah, that weekend you were gone and had someone walk and care for your dog? The dog wasn't impressed. So you came home to your couch stuffing spread all over the apartment. That cat you lovingly left plenty of food and water for, the one night you spent away? He shit on your pillow and covered it with toilet paper. How nice of him. 
My pets don't even pretend to love me. So if I go away for a bit, they really couldn't care any less than they already do.

My pets are awesome. Shove off.

*Some people don't like my pets. And because of this they refuse to come into my home. I have never understood this. They are caged. Grow a pair. After you've gone to grow some balls, you may realize my pets still bother you. That's okay. But the first time you threaten to squish them, I'll let them eat you. Then I'll step on your cats tail. You know, for good measure.*